L.E.G.I.O.N. ’89: 10 issues from, uh, 1989, hence the, um, yeah
Writers: Keith Giffen (plotter), Alan Grant (scripter)
I’ve been dreading this because this is way more Alan Grant in a row than I’m emotionally prepared to handle.
So, wait, I feel like I came into the middle of this. Guess it must’ve spun out of Invasion somewhere, and I just wasn’t paying any attention when that happened. Anyway, why are these characters who apparently bumbled into each other by chance all obvious direct predecessors of Legionnaires? Well, other than Stealth and whatever the whiny pointy-haired guy’s name is. But, like, in the Bedard series, Brainiac 2 is directly ripping ideas from Brainiac 5 due to time travel shenanigans. Here, he seems to have just… happened upon proto-Shadow Lass, proto-Blok, and if I recall correctly, the Durlan isn’t even proto-Chameleon Boy, he’s literally R.J. Brande.
I… huh. I guess I didn’t realize Lobo’s obsession with space dolphins predated 52.
Wait… Strata’s speech patterns are getting increasingly informal, and with the shorts and all… Hm. Egotistical/possibly-evil genius, markedly stabler woman with sneaky powers to visually conceal things, main enemy is a dictator of a sort… all we need is somebody to be on fire, and this is a Fantastic Four book. (Can we light pointy hair guy on fire?)
And there’s an entire evil drug planet, because it’s an Alan Grant book.
But no, seriously, I was mostly joking by calling Bek “the whiny pointy-haired guy,” but this book is shaping up to be about 67% Bek complaining about things by wordcount. Does he contribute any useful skills to this team, by the way? He seems to just be a random nobody in the middle of all these superpowered aliens.
Stealth’s whole deal is… grosser than I’m willing to talk about in detail, but decidedly not okay on any level. Like… I guess I’m going to keep reading this, but guys, for this character alone, I’m going to do something I can’t recall ever doing in this thread before and caution you to just not read this book.
658.
L.E.G.I.O.N. ’90: 13 issues from, from, like, see, it says “’90” in the title because it’s 1990-
Writers: Keith Giffen (plotter on 2 issues), Alan Grant (10 issues, scripter on 2 issues), Barry Kitson (co-plotter on 6 issues)
When they were talking about a mysterious artifact they found on a derelict ship, I was all “With the way this series runs, it’ll randomly be the Persuader’s axe or something equally absurd.”
It was the Emerald Eye of Ekron.
Why is there so much Legion stuff just bumping into each other a thousand years early for no reason?
The book sort of leads you to think that Vril’s “You’re actually doing pretty well as acting leader! Gold star, keep it up!” attitude towards Lyrissa is part of some long-term scheme, but then instead he just suddenly changes his mind and goes back to micromanaging.
Why does a group which to date has no human members play poker? Like, with regular earth French-suited cards?
I’ve now seen two different books by three different writers within four years of each other feature a plot point where an overweight woman is possessed by the Emerald Eye and immediately slims down to look more conventionally attractive. Once was uncomfortable. I don’t even know how to process twice.
Eye geyet eyet. Theye weyerd “eye” sounds (… seyends? … No, too far) like otheyer weyerds! You can stop now!
670.
L.E.G.I.O.N. ’91: 13 issues, and- and- y’know, they’re from, like, yeah, you get it by now
Writers: Alan Grant (12 issues, co-writer on 1 issue), Barry Kitson (co-plotter on 9 issues), Keith Giffen (co-writer on 1 issue)
“The Durlan” being Brande is hilarious, but also, I don’t suppose we’re going to learn how and why he was transported to the future?
Okay, I like Dox as a character in a the-fact-that-he’s-terrible-is-the-point kind of way, but I think literally torturing a baby might be a little far. Also, this entire age-up plot with Lydea Mallor is weird as hell.
Uh, so, like, okay, context. In regular future-Legion, Shadow Lass, Tasmia Mallor, is the Shadow Champion of Talok VIII, a hereditary position that’s existed for a long time. In the Great Darkness Saga, Darkseid summoned up a bunch of minions who were some sort of clones or copies of people who’d opposed him in the past; most of them people we know, but one a previously unmentioned prior Talokite Shadow Champion named Lydea Mallor. Tasmia’s reaction to this suggests she’s an important figure, but we don’t learn much about her. This was in like 1983. So, here in this book, Lyrissa Mallor is the current Shadow Champion, and Lydea is first referenced as her infant daughter. I kinda liked this; it was the one indication that not every single important person in history was an exact contemporary of all the Earth heroes.
So, Grant (and I’m not sure if I’d be more or less confused by this if Giffen—who was also co-plotting on Great Darkness in the first place—had still been involved) has the Computer Tyrants of Colu (in their new “Mr. Starr” body, and don’t think for a second I have any clue why they’re doing any of this) kidnap Lydea, brainwash her to violently hate her mother, and artificially age her up. And put her in a weirdly skimpy outfit, so you’ve got aged-up infant Lydea running around in a glorified swimsuit and her actual-adult mother Lyrissa actually dressing sensibly; go figure. Anyway, Lydea actually kills Lyrissa (makes sense; she was actually likeable and interesting and a narratively important counterbalance to Dox), but she gets captured. So, Dox figures that since she was brainwashed using torture, torture is the best way to deprogram her! And presumably this is going to somehow work and Lydea will take her mother’s place in the main cast.
I hate this book.
Anyway, shoutout to the Khunds just… having the Death Star. Phase and Telepath are sent to retrieve the plans. Quote: “Blueprints--tapes--micros--it’s all here!” Secret plans for a planet-destroying superweapon built by an interstellar empire being kept on microfiche and paper blueprints seems… a little low-tech, even for something written in 1991.
Bek’s already-insane haircut has mutated into just a straight column of hair extending directly up and down with no visible part or reason it should maintain this shape. It’s… like… some kind of enlarged buzz-mullet? But, like… maybe with a horizontal part on the back of his head directly behind the ears? You know, I guess if my head looked like a broken paintbrush, I’d probably complain a lot too.
I am trying not to directly acknowledge this plot (despite it being the thread that just won’t die and eventually spawns—wait, poor choice of words—generates an entire spin-off), but I have to say that I am sick to death of Stealth’s hypocritical, victim-blaming, holier-than-thou moralizing.
683.
L.E.G.I.O.N. ’92: 14 issues
Writers: Alan Grant (5 issues), Barry Kitson (9 issues, co-plotter on 5 issues)
Here’s a fun question: The L.E.G.I.O.N. symbol is a hand with rays of light bursting out from between the fingers, right? Is there or is there not a ray on the outside of the thumb?
Here, this image might help:
I assume there are supposed to be six rays to symbolize six founding members, but that’s pure conjecture at this point.
Grant’s run ends on a “team disbands for a bit” arc that… might’ve been sort of compelling if the rest of the book were good? But I’m not really all that invested in seeing them go on.
Kitson’s main arc as solo writer involves a very… odd understanding of what viruses are. I’ll give you one hint: They’re a good bit bigger than a water molecule.
Shoutout to all the very earth-focused crossovers that nevertheless hijack L.E.G.I.O.N.’s annuals anyway with minimal explanation.
697.
L.E.G.I.O.N. ’93: 15 issues
Writers: Barry Kitson (1 issue, plotter on 1 issue, co-plotter on 8 issues, co-plotter on main story in 1 issue), Mark Waid (10 issues, scripter on 1 issue, main story in 1 issue), Alan Grant (1 issue, backup in 1 issue), Tom Peyer (1 issue)
Normally I’d be excited to see Mark Waid take over a bad book, but, like, a Legion-related book by the same minds behind the Threeboot? That’s not so exciting. I wonder if Dox will suddenly be a nice and functional person, Captain Comet will suddenly be an alien from a planet of telekinetics who prefers to be called Captain Not-Comet, Lobo will actually have been the only Czarnian the whole time, and L.E.G.I.O.N. will suddenly adopt “Get off my lawn, whippersnapper!” as a catchphrase.
So… Dox doesn’t want his kid to turn out like he did after being raised by a cruel homicidal monster, so he… gives the poor thing back to Stealth. Again, it’s in some ways sort of incredible that Vril is the less morally reprehensible of Lyrl’s two parents, and yet it’s so blatantly the case that I cannot fathom how the comic doesn’t understand it.
They use triplicate in space? In 1993? … I guess they apparently use triplicate in space in 2993, but you could excuse that by saying it’s “triplicate” as in “duplicate” but three instead of two. She’s not even triplicate colors. Almost, but not quite, which always bugged me a little.
So… the Bouncing Boy knockoff they rejected like two years earlier is from an entire planet of Bouncing Boys? What, Mark, aren’t you going to have him insist that they call him “Deflating Lad?”
712.
L.E.G.I.O.N. ’94: 10 issues
Writer: This travesty is now solely Tom Peyer’s fault
why is this entire title suddenly about a talking baby
an evil talking baby
(I’m not referring to Lydea, though she also talks, and is evil now—due to mind control, at least—and is a baby.)
Also, Phase is randomly Tinya’s cousin instead of Tinya. I… guess this must’ve been so that she could stay with L.E.G.I.O.N. while actual-Tinya wound up alive again in the reboot, but then the reboot (a) killed actual Tinya; and (b) made Phase Tinya (sort of) anyway. Incredible.
The last annual… broke me. So, the main story is an unfunny James Bond parody that doesn’t go anywhere. Whatever. One of the backups, though, bills itself as “a retelling of the most disgusting event in L.E.G.I.O.N. history” and ain’t kidding; it’s the thing with Stealth that I’ve been straining to not directly describe. Only, now it’s done up in a cutesy Silver-Age-Legion-parody style. The substance isn’t different, it’s just mocking substantially better and more mature Silver Age stories in between the same sordid events and Stealth is dressed like Saturn Girl (leave imra alone, please and thank you). And literally drawn by Curt Swan while basically ■■■■■■■■ all over his work. It’s every bit as disturbing as the original story while also being insulting to, just… everyone. Except the people who came up with the original horrible plot point, which they seem to be proud of.
What were they thinking?
(That’s even before we get to the vaguely transphobic Batman parody they inflicted on Dick Sprang. Guys, this issue is bad.)
L.E.G.I.O.N. Annual #5 is, easily and without a doubt, the absolute single worst comic issue I have ever read. I sincerely hope neither you nor I ever again encounters its like.
722.
Mon-El (sorry, “Valor”): 23 issues from 1992-1994
Writers: Robert Loren Fleming (9 issues), Mark Waid (10 issues), Kurt Busiek (4 issues)
Um, anyway, I was kind of expecting the start of a new ongoing to, you know, feel like the beginning of something, not just perfunctory crossover cleanup.
Anyway, this is a lot of pagecount of Lar just screwing around with this spaceship that… I guess Lex Luthor just decided to pay for him to build for some reason.
So, Dox randomly gets Lar arrested, that’s a thing. It’s in “Starlag II,” presumably a replacement for the one the L.E.G.I.O.N. founders broke out of in the first place, so that’s a thing even though you’d think they wouldn’t be aligned with L.E.G.I.O.N. The warden, “Kanjar Ru,” seems to be a member of Kanjar-Ro’s species but being a female character in a bad early ‘90s comic book naturally looks like… well, a female character in a bad early ‘90s comic book. And one of the other prisoners has been here for “decades” even though the original Starlag was only like an in-universe year or so ago at most, so… lots of things are things about this story.
I forgot this “Blasters” team existed, but they kind of ring a bell from Invasion. That said, they’re really annoying. And also led by Snapper Carr.
Why does Lar, a Daxamite from Daxam, have to explain “Earth slang” to an AI designed on earth by humans?
Waid wrangles this thing into having more of a plot than Fleming allowed it, but at the expense of an already-fragile continuity. It’s particularly bizarre how the SW6 clone Legion from the Legionnaires title is just treated as if they were the only and original Legion both here and in their own title, despite the actual original Legion still existing and having the main Legion book. Like, there are several different plots which make no sense with the younger group’s backstory and yet just flatly refuse to acknowledge that fact.
Or, like, here, they tell Dragonmage “You know Valor from his days as a Legionnaire!” Um, technically true, I think, but those “days” were about five minutes ago.
Wait… is this all an extended exercise in retconning the clone Lar into the original-ish one’s place? Oh, for god’s sake.
Dare I even ask how this Krinn Magar guy relates to Jason Krinnski? Here’s the other problem with constantly obsessing over everyone’s present-day ancestors.
Anyway, then it flies off into baffling Zero Hour tie-ins. Whee.
745.
